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This is the bridesmaid dress that I wore when I was in my brother's wedding circa 1995. I found it stuffed into a spare bedroom closet today at my childhood home in Cleveland, Ohio. Many of you have heard me describe this monstrosity in my act - all the way down to the white stockings and black patent leather shoes. But I bet you didn't actually believe that any bride, no matter how chubby, could do this to another person. And yet it happened.

There are a lot of emotions associated with being asked to be in a wedding for the sole purpose of making the bride look thin. It probably was not as bad as the feelings of one of my brother's groomsmen. He was a workmate of the bride added to the tribe of my brother's childhood friends to offset the fact that one of the bridesmaids was black. Well we can't just have mixed race couples marching down the aisle all willy-nilly (or dare I say Milli Vanilli) all over a Methodist church Bedford, Ohio can we? 

All I'm asking of future brides are a few simple things. Remember that bows belong on presents, xmas trees and a new Lexus - NOT PEOPLE'S ASSES! Tulle belongs on a fishing vessel in the net department. Princess sleeves do not belong A-N-Y-W-H-E-R-E for any reason. And finally, ask the people you most hate in the world to be in your bridal party instead of your loved ones. They will not have a good time no matter what you do. This is your chance to avenge all the Carrie prom things the mean girls did to you in high school. Use it! 

For those of you literary geniuses who don't think a picture is worth a thousand words here are all the gory details of that fateful day:

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